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martial reactions
Aug. 26th, 2004 04:53 pmI was worried when I started dancing that I'd get taken by surprise at some point and my martial arts conditioning would kick in and I'd clock someone. Then it didn't happen. I was surprised, occasionally smacked, and one memorable time I was kicked in the face by someone who should probably have learned to do handstands somewhere less populated. All that and my conditioning never said boo.
After a couple of years I decided that there must be something in my headspace when I'm at a dance that let me let go of that paranoia, to accept contact, even the occasional sudden contact as "probably not an attack".
Last night someone grabbed my left shoulder hard with his right hand. It was very much the stereotypical "long arm of the law grabbing the shady customer what done it" move (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you haven't watched enough old British television). I'm pretty sure it was intentional. Knowing what I know of the guy, I'd even believe that there were some penis-size issues going on (I'd just danced with a woman who clearly pushes his buttons).
And my conditioning didn't simply say boo.
It said "step back, pivot, arm up, grab, chamber to punch... Waddya mean I gotta stop?" I didn't hit him. I didn't even hurt him. I did change who was grabbing who, pull him way off balance, and was prepared to punch. This worries me. I like to think that my consciousness controls more of my actions than it perhaps does. Like self-control is measured on a very narrow range that happens to include a cliff.
I believe that I exert more control over what I do than your average Joe, but I'm beginning to think that that may mean that I've chosen some of my physical reactions (though I didn't really understand what I was getting into when I chose them), and/or that I'm 85% consciously driven as opposed to Average Joe's 84%, or the 80% of some guy in a Stephenson book with "Poor impulse control" tattood across his forehead (these numbers precise or your money back).
I believe that my conditioning was to do three distinct things 1) check the threat, 2) make sure it was an attack, and if so 3) respond. I'm glad that I seem to have step two, I didn't always. But frankly I'm still a bit bothered. I'm pretty sure that I scared him, and I don't really have any desire to have him scared of me. More than that, I really don't like the idea that I could have broken him. Maybe this is a kind of reverse memento mori.
The other odd thing was that my heart rate didn't go up and I didn't get an adrenaline rush. I was able to talk to him for a minute to make sure he was ok, then to go right back to dancing as he backed away. To be fair, I was paying a lot more attention to the people around me.
Hmm, so if I seem a little odd just now (or this whole thing makes no sense at all), there is a reason, I'll adjust, but it might take a bit.
I don't really want to say training or conditioning, they both sound too active to me. As though it's exercise ("weight training", "aerobic conditioning") or some such, like it's good for me to be an automaton when I'm attacked. Conditioning is the correct term, as in "Pavlov conditioned dogs to salivate when a bell was rung.", so I guess I'll use it...
After a couple of years I decided that there must be something in my headspace when I'm at a dance that let me let go of that paranoia, to accept contact, even the occasional sudden contact as "probably not an attack".
Last night someone grabbed my left shoulder hard with his right hand. It was very much the stereotypical "long arm of the law grabbing the shady customer what done it" move (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you haven't watched enough old British television). I'm pretty sure it was intentional. Knowing what I know of the guy, I'd even believe that there were some penis-size issues going on (I'd just danced with a woman who clearly pushes his buttons).
And my conditioning didn't simply say boo.
It said "step back, pivot, arm up, grab, chamber to punch... Waddya mean I gotta stop?" I didn't hit him. I didn't even hurt him. I did change who was grabbing who, pull him way off balance, and was prepared to punch. This worries me. I like to think that my consciousness controls more of my actions than it perhaps does. Like self-control is measured on a very narrow range that happens to include a cliff.
I believe that I exert more control over what I do than your average Joe, but I'm beginning to think that that may mean that I've chosen some of my physical reactions (though I didn't really understand what I was getting into when I chose them), and/or that I'm 85% consciously driven as opposed to Average Joe's 84%, or the 80% of some guy in a Stephenson book with "Poor impulse control" tattood across his forehead (these numbers precise or your money back).
I believe that my conditioning was to do three distinct things 1) check the threat, 2) make sure it was an attack, and if so 3) respond. I'm glad that I seem to have step two, I didn't always. But frankly I'm still a bit bothered. I'm pretty sure that I scared him, and I don't really have any desire to have him scared of me. More than that, I really don't like the idea that I could have broken him. Maybe this is a kind of reverse memento mori.
The other odd thing was that my heart rate didn't go up and I didn't get an adrenaline rush. I was able to talk to him for a minute to make sure he was ok, then to go right back to dancing as he backed away. To be fair, I was paying a lot more attention to the people around me.
Hmm, so if I seem a little odd just now (or this whole thing makes no sense at all), there is a reason, I'll adjust, but it might take a bit.
I don't really want to say training or conditioning, they both sound too active to me. As though it's exercise ("weight training", "aerobic conditioning") or some such, like it's good for me to be an automaton when I'm attacked. Conditioning is the correct term, as in "Pavlov conditioned dogs to salivate when a bell was rung.", so I guess I'll use it...
